Tiffani. 19. Florida. Pansexual.
55 minutes ago320,938 plays
1. Order sea monkeys from a catalog or wherever the heck you buy sea monkeys nowadays. When they reach maturity, drink the sea monkeys. Absorb their power. Upgrade.
2. People have a tendency to make life and everything in it more complicated than it need to be, so make it your goal to make each aspect of your life as simple as you can. Start with language. Make you speech less and less complex until you simply communicate in a series of low growls and snarls.
3. Take some time out of every day to learn how dogs do that thing where they drag their butts on the carpet. Once you have perfected this skill, use it as your sole mode of transportation.
4. Stop being a coward and double dip your chips. I’m not even kidding, dip has a shitton of germs in it as is. It ain’t gonna matter if your mouth touched a chip that goes in it. You get salmonella, it would’ve happened whether you double dipped or not.
5. Get a job as a lifeguard in a water park. You learn to appreciate the little things after spending your days rescuing middle aged men who wear their tshirts in the pool and sweeping up tampons and used condoms because people are actually sick enough to get freaky in the lazy river.
6. Poop on the floor and blame your pets. If you don’t have pets, say your house has rats and suggest your fellow housemates stop feeding them, as rats should not produce an amount of poop so obscene.
7. Only eat Taco Bell, even if you become dangerously malnourished. You live by the Taco Bell, you die by the Taco Bell
8. Get a twitter and only follow Ted parody accounts. Steal jokes from the Ted parody accounts and tattoo the one you like best onto your genitals.
9. Become more like a bird. Meticulously toil with human DNA in a secret lab a mile under the Earth until you can genetically engineer a freakish monster with the intellect of a bird and the flight abilities of a human. By playing God in an act of mad and reckless science, warp your own genes until you assimilate the form of this horrifying Birdman. Sign a rap contract with Young Money. Third wheel in your own songs.
10. Buy a cop uniform. Confiscate weed from 14 year olds and smoke it in your Grandma’s basement. #Dope.
11. Whenever some douchebag thinks it’s a good idea to bring a fucking guitar to a party, take a dump in it. He’s not going to be lugging that thing anywhere for a long time.
12. Invite over a friend you haven’t seen in a while. When they arrive, do not speak to them. Stare at them intensely while Rick Astley’s single “Together Forever” plays on repeat until they leave.
13. Become Henry David Thoreau but instead of isolating yourself in the woods, settle yourself near a Girl Scout camp and howl at night, terrorizing the children and counselors. Gradually escalate your behaviour by scratching “GET OUT” into the bathroom mirrors and destroying property until everyone gets scared shitless and they close the camp down. To extend your new and improved version of Walden, afterward, move on to a Boy Scout camp and repeat this process.
14. Call a customer service line and request a raw dog backdoor hammertime lovemaking session with their secretaries Susan and Carol. Challenge yourself to see how many corporations you can do this to before someone presses charges